And suddenly I just don't see the point in this all.. my life and everything that is important to me feels irrelevant. I'm tired and suddenly depressed again. Even thought of hurting myself again. I  don't want to go home because I'm a failure, I'm simply not worth it. Fat and disgusting, just plain stupid, suddenly felt this and the absurdness of life hit me. Anything really does not make sense. And I don't want to forget and be normal. I want to be conscious of the unhappiness of life and the misery of it all. I want to jump of a tall building to feel again the greatness of life, the world and me in it. Not to kill myself but to get above it all, to feel. 

I'm not going to try to kill myself but this moment, this feeling just really is a mystery to me. I want to free myself but find that I can't. That I'm trapped inside my body that I feel is attacking me in so many ways. Nothing feels right or wrong now and that confuses me.